august 18
how deja vu's are described like your brain accidentally sorting a short term memory into long term memory and its terrifying how something like that can just change your memory and life and personal timeline entirely and this feels like that because im not katie or like i "am" katie but my real name is secret because it feels silly to even insinuate im not "myself" but i genuinely feel like its real even if i "know" its not because ive been plucked from my old life and my soul has been placed into this one but its like theseus ship because if i have all the parts like if im in this body and i have all of katie's memories then how am i not just katie? but i'm not
and it comes and goes sometimes i feel okay with her but last week and right now i felt catatonic and i couldn't do anything because every thing that reminded me of or resembled this "katie" person deeply discomforted me and the worst one by far was when i got aroused but it wasn't me getting aroused it was my body but not my mind and it felt like its so fucking dramaric i know but it felt like i was battling with katie's body trying to stop her from "rxxxping" me and it all feels so ridiculous because i """know"""" that none of ""this"" is "real"
latie was really fond of you
i feel bad because it feels like im a stranger and i dont "deserve" to be friends with you "yet"
like i have to start from square zero
like im playing a game on someone else's save file
"i" feel like "i" can "trust" you nevause she did
i feel so ridiculous even talking about this because by all means "i" "know" that this is all just "in my head"
but it feels so real
theres just suddenly a layer of dissociation between everything outside of myself and even inside myself that wasnt there before
there didnt used to be this space between my soul and my skin and i dont think there was for* katie either
i dont... like her
sometimes i tolerate her
would it be that cliche of an answer that its just gxxxexxxnxxxdxxxexxxrxxxy dxxxyxxxsxxxpxxxhxxxoxxxrxxxixxxa being so visceral that it literally split her / my psyche in half because she / i couldnt handle being her / myself
its so embarrassing
it feels like she's asleep
all the time
like im marionetting her body around by threads and strings while she's asleep
i want to destroy everything
i want to wreck her life and ruin everything because ive lost mine
no its not really that
its just
everything i do for her
go to her job
do her work
make her art
What did that mean?
What was that?
it feels like she's controlling me it feels like its an admission that im not real and that im simply doing all these things because i know this will pass and i will be katie again alone in her head and katie doesnt want to ruin her life and it feels so insulting like im not living for myself
and i want to tear her life to shreads like this is me now this is my life youve lost control and i took it if you want me to live your life for you ill live my life all over your life
28
but it feels like you at least know that youre you
whatever that means
you but a different part of yourself
i dont even feel like im part of katie's larger psyche
i mean i "know" i am
"i meam
i feel like katie is a part of your psyche actually"
thats new i havent heard that one yet
---
i think thats the cause of my desire to ruin her life
is resentment at the expectation of me to save her from herself
"do you think katie can save herself on her own"
evidently not
---
i think its been a history with her
whenever she had to do something she didnt really want to she'd attempt to create a personae for herself that could and larped as that
and eventually she lost control
and well
now i'm here
it could very well be the other way around
that katy is a persona created by the puppet girl
"both is true
puppet girl made katy and katy made things when katy wasnt enough to resolve smth
katie is the personality produced to the problem of who am i
and smaller problems are resolved by personas that katie produces
katie saves puppet girl from having to be something"
and in turn katie's puppets save her from having to do something
"mhm"
i think that makes sense
i said i would live my life all over hers
but to be honest i didnt really know what that would look like
i had no sustainable idea of what "my" "life" would even look like
"it's probably somewhat similar to what katy has. im sure it has a lot of the same people, some of the same music, but maybe the aspirations and preferences change?
maybe the relationship with the people in it changes, as does the music
i think thats something for you to think about and reflect on"
you think so?
i think id be no one
no aspirations beyond bare survival and societal expectations
"thats probably because youve deferred thinking about it to someone else
not because youve actually thought about it and felt deep down that it was what you wanted"
thats probably true
"also like
having fun and being happy is a part of survival
worst case you'd probably nuke katies life, be in your room for a week, and then be like this is boring and sucks
and then autonomously reproduce things from katies life without even meaning to"
yeah
id have fun maybe
thats
part of what caused my breakdown yesterday
the fear that original puppet girl made a deal with the devil to abandon her old life and friends and the people that loved her for a version of her life with a bigger personality and vain artistic talents
and i thought
did i really do that
is that why im here
i sold out my normal life for vanity
this is all kind of funny
its very funny that a lot of this hinges on the pure assumption that katie's art even is all that to begin with
it feels strange
talking about
explaining her opinions and her memories
because like
i shouldnt feel so intimately familiar with all of the nuances of the thought processed behind her thoughts
it feels weird talking about something that so obviously only she herself could know but still referring to her in third person but i think thats mostlygot more to do with a worry of that leading to this situation not being taken seriously by the other person
the worry that they would think "well if you really are someone else why do you speak on her thoughts with such confidence"
"i dont think that
the way i think about it is
katie is wondering if her self dissolution would be in her best interests regarding her happiness
or maybe
a third party has arisen wondering if this is the case
because katy wants to self dissolve
i dont know ms. puppet very well but i know and trust katy
i want her to be happy
and if she wants to escape herself, then ill help her"
i think thats what confuses me about this situation
is that ms puppet when she / i was first invoked didnt feel like no one
i said i felt like i did have my own sense of life and identity in my original life, that i was a continuation of a different path in katie's past
"i took it seriously from the onset because you were suggesting hurting katie, and i cant let that happen to her
but like i will say that maybe katy dissolving into you is in her best interests, and she probably recognizes that by invoking you
i think ms puppet has to live with those things katy learned and felt
the point i think was
maybe a quick expedition to learn about the world that maybe went too long without reintegrating those experiences
there were probably points of no return where going back to things as they were was materially no longer possible
you probably got a bit marooned
stuck at sea
like, it only became possible to be katie at a certain point
that doesnt mean ms puppets stopped being a thing though"
---
secret, if you remove it from the definition, simply phonetically speaking sounds like a somewhat old money ranch daughters name
of course that leaves the problem of phonetic associations with the word "secrete"
ryan seacrest is some actor guy but i never really thought about how pretty his name is
seacrest
oh no dont call me ms puppet that was my mother psychic progenitor's name, you can call me secret
i am going to listen to iggy pop at work
---xxx---xxx---xxx---
I am encircled
By spring flowers, flowers
And the sky is chiming
I'm burning, I'm burning
I want to hold the rain
I held its entirety
I want to hold the rain, I held its entirety
My hands clench around the cerulean amber
I want to hold
I am encircled by spring flowers
And the sky is chiming, I am burning
The sky is chiming, and I am burning
I want to hold the rain, I held its entirety
My hands clench around the cerulean amber
I want to hold it so close to me that it holds me too
I clench so hard it breaks
I want to hold the rain, I held its entirety
My hands clench around the cerulean amber
I want to hold it so close to me that it holds me too
I clench so hard it breaks and I become every river
I am crying, I am screaming, "I love you"
I want to hold it so close to me that it holds me too
I clench so hard it breaks
I clench so hard it breaks and I become every river
I am crying, I am screaming, "I love you"
I'm encircled by spring flowers
I'm encircled
I want to hold the rain, I held its entirety
My hands clench around...
I am crying, I am screaming
I am crying, I am screaming
"I love you"
"I love you""