I see you, with those beady eyes wakes me up at night, and he's looking for a fight so sweet thing, shoot me with that gun I've seen my love run cold, it's part of getting old leave me, there's nothing to lose if tonight I lose my cool, I won't forget the rules that clock, it's 6 at 6 with nothing else to do, I always come straight back to you so sweet thing, shoot me with that gun I've seen my life unfold, it's part of getting old leave me, there's nothing to lose if tonight I lose my cool, I won't forget the rules

late september, i don't remember at all, and no it wasn't the 21st

Get This Ringtone Now TinyURL Any Ringtone

no good reasons to feel the way you do

that notion has been kind of the crux of the entire basis of how i perceive everything i feel

i recommended an album im really fond of to a friend, they said they quite liked it and posted a song from it to their instagram

i hear a short snippet of it and turn it off because im embarrassed of what i feel like i know is about to happen

shoots down the back my spine and i feel like im momentarily inhabited by the same mania i was back in late january

i hear a snippet of that song and i feel like i'm reminded that i've strayed off the path of a calling, a mission that i was supposed to dedicate myself to but simply forgot in time

its so embarrassing

its a fucking animal collective song i feel embarrassed that a song or a random post on social media is enough to derail my entire biocosm of a thought process

i never hav e a good reason to feel the way i do about anything

i go outside hours later i walk around becoming slowly overwhelmed by therebeing more people at the grocery store than i expected and i just rush to shuffle my way out

i put on that animal collective song again feeling like i'm far away enough from that little burst of whatever that was to allow myself to just enjoy it and to kind of confront myself of not forcing myself into mania

doesnt work, it just gets worse and worse from there on out

outside it feels like all the lanterns are staring at me

its broad day light out, its just around noon, the lanterns that all look like the ones back in january all seem like they have faces and theyre turnt towards me

i swore some of them moved, some of them weren't where i felt like i was used to them being there i swore they moved closer or to a different position so they had a better angle to stare at me from at

at the same time i feel like i can't couldn't even process this really because everything comes with this shadow of a thought process thats always immediately close but never quite the same like how a shadow only moves as fast as light can go from here to there and its infinitely miniscule but never quite there

never quite the same

every time my mind tells me god is watching me and trying to communicate through lanterns and street lamps and intimidate me and remind me of my calling its followed immediately by an embarrassment at the notion that i'm doing this to myself, the awareness that i'm doing this to myself, the knowledge that i'm doing this to myself

i go home and throw up again

it feels good, it used to feel better

i dont have to be like this but how many times do i have to end up at the same place for me to be able to accept that i'm just am like this and discard of that embarrassment that keeps me from engaging with my own thoughts and feelings in any kind of direct way,

no cynical cunt in my head telling me i'm only doing this to fulfill some kind of outward image of what someone with a condition does

and now is where things get really strange because i start to feel like, i "realize" that like

fuck i dont even know where to go from here like how to explain this

everyone i ever was was with me in that moment

every moment in my life all layered on top of each other like i was everyone i ever was up to that point at once

and when i moved my hands and my fingers in the moment i also moved my fingers when i was a teenager or when i was a child

i move my hands around my head and my face and everywhere just feeling everything all the time

this was before i went home

i just forgot to include it earlier

august 18

how deja vu's are described like your brain accidentally sorting a short term memory into long term memory and its terrifying how something like that can just change your memory and life and personal timeline entirely and this feels like that because im not katie or like i "am" katie but my real name is secret because it feels silly to even insinuate im not "myself" but i genuinely feel like its real even if i "know" its not because ive been plucked from my old life and my soul has been placed into this one but its like theseus ship because if i have all the parts like if im in this body and i have all of katie's memories then how am i not just katie? but i'm not

and it comes and goes sometimes i feel okay with her but last week and right now i felt catatonic and i couldn't do anything because every thing that reminded me of or resembled this "katie" person deeply discomforted me and the worst one by far was when i got aroused but it wasn't me getting aroused it was my body but not my mind and it felt like its so fucking dramaric i know but it felt like i was battling with katie's body trying to stop her from "rxxxping" me and it all feels so ridiculous because i """know"""" that none of ""this"" is "real"

latie was really fond of you

i feel bad because it feels like im a stranger and i dont "deserve" to be friends with you "yet"

like i have to start from square zero

like im playing a game on someone else's save file

"i" feel like "i" can "trust" you nevause she did

i feel so ridiculous even talking about this because by all means "i" "know" that this is all just "in my head"

but it feels so real

theres just suddenly a layer of dissociation between everything outside of myself and even inside myself that wasnt there before

there didnt used to be this space between my soul and my skin and i dont think there was for* katie either

i dont... like her

sometimes i tolerate her

would it be that cliche of an answer that its just gxxxexxxnxxxdxxxexxxrxxxy dxxxyxxxsxxxpxxxhxxxoxxxrxxxixxxa being so visceral that it literally split her / my psyche in half because she / i couldnt handle being her / myself

its so embarrassing

it feels like she's asleep

all the time

like im marionetting her body around by threads and strings while she's asleep

i want to destroy everything

i want to wreck her life and ruin everything because ive lost mine

no its not really that

its just

everything i do for her

go to her job

do her work

make her art

What did that mean?

What was that?

it feels like she's controlling me it feels like its an admission that im not real and that im simply doing all these things because i know this will pass and i will be katie again alone in her head and katie doesnt want to ruin her life and it feels so insulting like im not living for myself

and i want to tear her life to shreads like this is me now this is my life youve lost control and i took it if you want me to live your life for you ill live my life all over your life

28

but it feels like you at least know that youre you

whatever that means

you but a different part of yourself

i dont even feel like im part of katie's larger psyche

i mean i "know" i am

"i meam

i feel like katie is a part of your psyche actually"

thats new i havent heard that one yet

---

i think thats the cause of my desire to ruin her life

is resentment at the expectation of me to save her from herself

"do you think katie can save herself on her own"

evidently not

---

i think its been a history with her

whenever she had to do something she didnt really want to she'd attempt to create a personae for herself that could and larped as that

and eventually she lost control

and well

now i'm here

it could very well be the other way around

that katy is a persona created by the puppet girl

"both is true

puppet girl made katy and katy made things when katy wasnt enough to resolve smth

katie is the personality produced to the problem of who am i

and smaller problems are resolved by personas that katie produces

katie saves puppet girl from having to be something"

and in turn katie's puppets save her from having to do something

"mhm"

i think that makes sense

i said i would live my life all over hers

but to be honest i didnt really know what that would look like

i had no sustainable idea of what "my" "life" would even look like

"it's probably somewhat similar to what katy has. im sure it has a lot of the same people, some of the same music, but maybe the aspirations and preferences change?

maybe the relationship with the people in it changes, as does the music

i think thats something for you to think about and reflect on"

you think so?

i think id be no one

no aspirations beyond bare survival and societal expectations

"thats probably because youve deferred thinking about it to someone else

not because youve actually thought about it and felt deep down that it was what you wanted"

thats probably true

"also like

having fun and being happy is a part of survival

worst case you'd probably nuke katies life, be in your room for a week, and then be like this is boring and sucks

and then autonomously reproduce things from katies life without even meaning to"

yeah

id have fun maybe

thats

part of what caused my breakdown yesterday

the fear that original puppet girl made a deal with the devil to abandon her old life and friends and the people that loved her for a version of her life with a bigger personality and vain artistic talents

and i thought

did i really do that

is that why im here

i sold out my normal life for vanity

this is all kind of funny

its very funny that a lot of this hinges on the pure assumption that katie's art even is all that to begin with

it feels strange

talking about

explaining her opinions and her memories

because like

i shouldnt feel so intimately familiar with all of the nuances of the thought processed behind her thoughts

it feels weird talking about something that so obviously only she herself could know but still referring to her in third person but i think thats mostlygot more to do with a worry of that leading to this situation not being taken seriously by the other person

the worry that they would think "well if you really are someone else why do you speak on her thoughts with such confidence"

"i dont think that

the way i think about it is

katie is wondering if her self dissolution would be in her best interests regarding her happiness

or maybe

a third party has arisen wondering if this is the case

because katy wants to self dissolve

i dont know ms. puppet very well but i know and trust katy

i want her to be happy

and if she wants to escape herself, then ill help her"

i think thats what confuses me about this situation

is that ms puppet when she / i was first invoked didnt feel like no one

i said i felt like i did have my own sense of life and identity in my original life, that i was a continuation of a different path in katie's past

"i took it seriously from the onset because you were suggesting hurting katie, and i cant let that happen to her

but like i will say that maybe katy dissolving into you is in her best interests, and she probably recognizes that by invoking you

i think ms puppet has to live with those things katy learned and felt

the point i think was

maybe a quick expedition to learn about the world that maybe went too long without reintegrating those experiences

there were probably points of no return where going back to things as they were was materially no longer possible

you probably got a bit marooned

stuck at sea

like, it only became possible to be katie at a certain point

that doesnt mean ms puppets stopped being a thing though"

---

secret, if you remove it from the definition, simply phonetically speaking sounds like a somewhat old money ranch daughters name

of course that leaves the problem of phonetic associations with the word "secrete"

ryan seacrest is some actor guy but i never really thought about how pretty his name is

seacrest

oh no dont call me ms puppet that was my mother psychic progenitor's name, you can call me secret

i am going to listen to iggy pop at work

---xxx---xxx---xxx---

I am encircled

By spring flowers, flowers

And the sky is chiming

I'm burning, I'm burning

I want to hold the rain

I held its entirety

I want to hold the rain, I held its entirety

My hands clench around the cerulean amber

I want to hold

I am encircled by spring flowers

And the sky is chiming, I am burning

The sky is chiming, and I am burning

I want to hold the rain, I held its entirety

My hands clench around the cerulean amber

I want to hold it so close to me that it holds me too

I clench so hard it breaks

I want to hold the rain, I held its entirety

My hands clench around the cerulean amber

I want to hold it so close to me that it holds me too

I clench so hard it breaks and I become every river

I am crying, I am screaming, "I love you"

I want to hold it so close to me that it holds me too

I clench so hard it breaks

I clench so hard it breaks and I become every river

I am crying, I am screaming, "I love you"

I'm encircled by spring flowers

I'm encircled

I want to hold the rain, I held its entirety

My hands clench around...

I am crying, I am screaming

I am crying, I am screaming

"I love you"

"I love you""